The Antidote to Perfectionism
In this week’s Brilliant Insights, let’s explore how to set impactful Value-Based Goals that truly resonate with you!
Today I want to share with you an antidote to perfectionism. This email is a little on the long side but if you struggle with perfectionism, it's worth the read. There's freedom here for you!
I remember years ago hearing someone say that it is not that in the greater levels we have greater devils but that we fight the same devil on a greater level.
When I understood that I don't struggle to beat the devil, it’s just that he shows up differently at each level because he’s my devil to conquer with each level of growth.
My devil is perfectionism. With each new level, perfectionism must be conquered.
I can look back over the past few months and see where the Lord, in his mercy was highlighting what I needed to fight perfectionism for the next level, but it didn’t really click until last week.
God had been talking to me about fun and play. You may have heard me talk about that some. I shared with you how I identified my play personality and that was very helpful in my intention towards play.
Here’s the thing. If I just focused on incorporating fun and play, that would be a "technical" change. What I needed was an "adaptive" change.
I learned the difference between "technical" and "adaptive" change from Phil Keegan in his book Immunity To Change. He says that the mind is an immune system protecting you from change.
The example he shares is about a woman who wants to lose weight. No diet was working for her. A technical change to lose weight would be diet and exercise. But her immune system was protecting her from losing weight because that would put her at risk of being raped again. She had been raped and told she was too beautiful not to touch. No diet would ever work. She needed an adaptive change in her mind to be able to lose the weight.
Having fun and playing is technical. But guess what, I could be perfectionist about that too. Am I playing enough, is fun getting me the results I want?
As I was to the Lord about this, he pointed me to 1 John 4:18, "There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love." NIV
Then I switched to TPT. I do that sometimes when I want to hear the “heart” behind the passage. "Love never brings fear, for fear is always related to punishment. But love’s perfection drives the fear of punishment far from our hearts. Whoever walks constantly afraid of punishment has not reached love’s perfection."
Then the revelation hit me.
It wasn’t that I needed to have more fun, to play more. It was the punishment I feared if I did.
Ha! I had uncovered a hidden commitment. The immune system of my mind was protecting me from punishment through perfectionism.
Let me go back a little and explain how this fear came to be.
I was raised by a very legalistic father. For example, He thought that because he had more than one coat he was living in sin because of the verse, Luke 3:11 John answered, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.”
This is where I learned that I should not have more than what is absolutely necessary to survive and maybe that’s even too much.
But he also taught me that bad things happen when we mess up and then God has to teach us a lesson.
I left my legalistic father to work for a work-acholic, fear driven successful entrepreneur at 19. He was the man who raised me in business for the next 30 years. I remember once when he told me that at any time my board will come in and dismiss me, and I won’t see it coming. You have to do everything in your power to make sure that doesn’t happen and even then, it might not be enough.
I learned that if I can’t be perfect, the consequence would be catastrophic.
It wasn’t until I read this verse that I understood my perfectionism was connected to a fear of failure and punishment was imminent.
Why was this important for God to show me? Because things are not going to always go as planned or as I hope and the thing that will derail me or even keep me from trying is the need to be perfect so I can avoid the punishment of those bad things happening.
I had to shift my perspective: When things go sideways, and the results are not what I hoped for it is NOT punishment for not doing enough or perfectly.
We have a religious and secular culture of punishment.
In popular church streams we are taught that things will go well if we just have enough faith. If it didn’t go well, our faith is lacking. In the world, we are taught that when things go wrong, we didn't have the perfect strategy or we didn't work hard enough.
Do you know what Jesus said? In this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world.
If you struggle with perfectionism, ask yourself what is it that you are afraid will happen if you don’t get it right? What are you afraid will happen to you? Then ask the Father to speak to that fear. Let him show you his love in that place of fear.
I had a conversation with God about this. I said, help me understand because I am seriously wrestling with action and consequence, sowing and reaping, wise and foolish, etc.
I had to google what a genuine lazy person is because of my conditioning to believe I was never working hard enough which meant I was lazy just to convince myself I did not fit the definition of lazy!
Here is what He said…
I am good, I would not give you a bad idea. The journey may be rocky but I will Romans 8:28 everything that goes sideways. The Trinity only has good to give. We do not take away. When the world takes, we upgrade. Remember Job. Not by your might but by my spirit.
Here is where I landed on this.
I can show up, be happy, and have fun, in my work, and not worry about the outcome because God will 8:28 the sideways and upgrade anything lost. Bad things are not punishment because I was not perfect. Bad things happen because the world is broken. Because I am in Him and he is in me, the final outcome is good.
It is His perfect love and goodness that is the antidote to perfectionism.
If you struggle with perfectionism or procrastination, I encourage you to pause for a moment and let the love of the Father wash over that area in your life.
To Your Success From Rest,
Rachel
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